Till Wankers.

Title says it all so i'll cut to the chase.....

Working in the retail industry of course, you'd be fascinated to know that in a recent survey 94% of customers wait to the 'till area' to unleash their twattish selves to us, the worker. Can I get a bag for those they ask before we have even scanned the items... A little annoying as I was going to offer you a trusty plastic piece after I had collected your invaluable tender. But I'll let that one go.. 

Oh what's this, you've placed your card into the machine and you appear to have turned around to browse at our novelty toys. Now you're picking an angry bird up and laughing at how similar it is to the pixelated one on your mobile phone screen... Still you face me with a turned back whilst I wait patiently along with the whole queue of 10 customers... Anyone bred into western civilisation knows the till is the area to pay for your goods. NOT to continue shopping at will you imbecile. 

Again, mildly irritating. But no so much as having to be instructed on how to complete a transaction, using every penny of change in the local area, giving me scottish money which is about as useful as monopoly money when distributing it as change or even just looking like a twat...

But this is trumped by one action which makes my stomach turn in rage...

If you, the future customer is reading this, thinks you have the right to lean forward, violate my working environment, touch company property and tear your receipt from the printer. How dare you. Apart from it being the equivalent of me zipping up your flies for you, it is impatient, rude and it buggers up the printer... This is not a self service till, nor is it a bus, so get your sweaty mits off. I feel violated when this happens. Like someone has robbed me. Robbed me of my role. What if I really enjoy gently picking the receipt of its cutter? What if it keeps me going through the tough times? That would be vastly odd, but don't you dare interfere with what is a hugely therapeutic practise to the mentally ill. I will screw up your receipt and throw it in your face. 

Thanks.

It's quite simple...

It's quite simple... I don't like people. 


So much so, I feel the need to ingeminate my experiences with the brain dead general public to anyone who wishes to share the hatred and irritation they inflict upon  you and I (Normal Folk)!


Whether it be an error of speech, sheer incompetence, horrifyingly irritating or just plain ridiculous; I hope you too feel my pain and prove yourself to be normal. From having your car as you're facebook profile picture to letting the world see you're lower stomach wobble in the summer breeze; I'll try to uncover it all...


If you are 99% of the general public and you happen to stumble upon the following extracts...Please take note and do something about it. Answers on a postcard please!


1.
CHILDREN RUNNING WILD: 


It's neither sweet nor adorable for you're child to run about, wailing utter shit in any public space. If I wanted to hear screaming children, I'd go up to my local park and go on the swings for an hour or two. Does a shop look like a good setting for hide and seek? Maybe so, but don't bother. Because when you run into me and fall over, I won't give a shit. Why do some parents act as if there children aren't even there, when the reality is they are destroying a Scooby-Doo box set by ripping off the cellophane... It's a classic 'smash two cymbals loudly' moment right in the parents face hoping they wake up from their angelic child utopia. You're child is a little rat and its ruining my nearby surroundings... go away.


2.
SLOW WALKERS:


I cannot begin to describe, the torture these idiots have brought to my life. Everyone is born with two legs. One right, one left to be used alternatively in the process we call 'walking'. However, some peculiar beings decide to do this incredibly slowly in PUBLIC places, meaning the unfortunate self behind is, well, stuck. It's not as if people have places to get to? It's not as if people have limited time to get things done? It's not as if people actually would like to exit a supermarket without having to overtake six parties of twats who want to walk as if they have been for five days straight in arctic conditions. Unless you body physically doesn't allow you, get a move on..Or better still grow a pair of eyes in the back of your head at least so you can see the anger you are bringing to normal people. 


It can get worse...some low life's decide to STOP right in front of you after walking at snails pace with no regard or thought that someone may be trying to past you're fat ass. Never does the urge to push someone out of your way, feel so strong as this. If you want to talk about how the price of bacon is disgusting or how your dog got hit by a tennis ball and died, don't do it in on a public walkway or public place or I WILL barge past you with intent..Or if I'm really pissed off, I will stand on the heel of your shoe and claim it was accidental.


Don't even get me started on escalators. Stand on the right or the left, but don't you dare stand in the middle you cretin.


Coming soon: Till Wankers and Drivers.